This weekend, I’ve been allowing my body to rest. I’ve practiced listening to my body and not overworking it. And if there’s anything to be said, there is no better experience than peace. I consider myself energy-sensitive, and I will say that the first quarter of this year was extremely loud.
During the first quarter, I spent a lot of time socializing daily with people that I cherished. Absorbing their energy and hardships was not on my bucket list, and the moment it became too much for me, I crashed. Crashing, for me, looked like sensory overload. There were a lot of tears and unclear thoughts that I wasn’t sure how to handle. I would also say that I overshared and lost my own compass regarding personal confidentiality. I found myself creating tiers within my friendships. I stopped responding to messages, and I struggled to see who genuinely had my best interests at heart. I guess sometimes you never realize how much you’re carrying until you’re finally alone.
Being offline, spending time in nature, going to therapy, writing, visualizing, working in different environments, and finding a sleep schedule that works for me had me questioning a few things. How do I feel not being out in the limelight? How do I feel not getting booked for shows in Indiana?
And for the first time, the answer wasn’t resentment or anger.. it was solitude.
Solitude because I understand that I am in a restorative period where I take myself seriously and stop waiting for other people to choose me. As silly as that sounds, I know it implies that the nervous system practices I’ve been working on for the past two months have indeed been working.
Not only do I write more, but I also practice EFT tapping, breathing exercises, and, as they would say, “touching grass.” Instead of trying to force myself into environments, I asked myself a few things: Why would I be around terrible people with terrible taste? What is the need to test my nervous system in these environments? And most importantly, do I need to be chosen every time, or do I sincerely want to practice exclusively?
Originally, being chosen was equated with visibility, but presently it is aligned with being intentional about what I share and why. Part of me lost that “why.” I like to think it was understandable. I had been in survival mode for so long that sometimes I hoped and prayed that maybe, if the right person saw me and booked me, invited me, or collaborated with me, it could open up opportunities and help create stability in my life.
Therefore, I am no longer treating life like an emergency or begging people to help me escape survival mode. I am exercising my free will and allowing the silence to flow through my heart.
All in all, quiet isn’t absence. It’s a new form of initiation. It’s preparation, and it’s protection. Sometimes life gets quiet before it gets loud, or the tune changes. It’s not because I’m forgotten; it’s because I needed to hear myself first.
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